I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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