so explain again why im purple
no
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
