things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
