I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
did i walk over a car last night?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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