if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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