so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
