I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
