there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
