If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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