im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
