I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
