Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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