Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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