So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
cat food counts as protein by the way
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
