its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
