My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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