Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
