how can u be prego again
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
