someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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