I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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