Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
