i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
