Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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