fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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