My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
