this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
