I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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