why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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