My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
