Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize