you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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