Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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