You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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