i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
