it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
