gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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