ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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