Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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