It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize