Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
