I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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