she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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