4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
