You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
