She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
