take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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