Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
