let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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