Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
