I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
a search helicopter?!
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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