her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize