i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
