Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
