Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
