I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
