I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Are we still banned from the library?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
